2000 Darwin Awards
One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the announcement of
The Annual Darwin Award. The prestigious recognition of those people who,
by their own incredible, conscious actions remove their apparently faulty
DNA/chromosomes from the gene pool - making it a safer place for all of
mankind
to someday swim. This is a global phenomenon and the 2000 nominations
reflect the universal appeal and acclaim that this most prestigious award
has grown to enjoy. So, without further ado, here are the runners-up for
this
year's award:
- Seventh Runner Up...
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old man died of injuries sustained from
a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy.
His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating,
in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his
momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a
few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the
cement below.
- Sixth Runner Up...
(11 August 1999 Germany) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the
eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving
behind
him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on
the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier.
He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to
totally obscure everything except the sun.
- Tie for Fifth Runner up Award goes to...
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing
in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main
power
supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock
killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man
waded
in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically
suffered the same fate as the fish .... In an ironic twist, the man was
fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his
mother-in-law's death.
- Tie for Fifth Runner up Award goes to...
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own
dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in
the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his
bereaved
dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the
trigger with its paw .... Police have ruled out foul play.
- Fourth Runner up Award goes to...
(1999, Nicosia, Cyprus) Under similar Circumstances, an Iranian hunter was
shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he
pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim,
named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his
shotgun
behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger,
shooting Ali in the head.
- Third Runner up Award goes to...
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia
hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as "Feral Friday", with a
100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for
beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning
point total of 236 (winners never quit!), which had also netted him the
literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%.
After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom,
Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that
became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing
34
beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes,
his
blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited
several
times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher
than
that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for
not
intervening .... He didn't require any further embalming.
- Second Runner up Award goes to...
(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British
farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67,
was
charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of
a
power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking
Betty and
her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern
England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was
tumbling
down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.
- First Runner up Award goes to...
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time
caused
consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 0530 Israel
time
on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing
three
terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that
the
devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look
revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before,
Israel
had made a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time in
order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time."
Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a
Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings Time. The confused
drivers had already switched to Standard Time. As a result, the cars were
still
en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their
well-
deserved demise.
And the 2000 Darwin Award winner is.....
- (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife have
littered Cambodia with
unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper
with
the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and
exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay
Rieng.
Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a
25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it
under
the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing
down a
drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the
three
men in the bar. "There were no remains" Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper
reported.
Honorable Mention - "National" Idiots Category
- Ann Arbor Idiot: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked
into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 0850 AM, flashed a gun and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open
the
cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the
clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away.
- Kentucky Idiots: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling
the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their
truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home ... with the chain still
attached to
the machine ... with their bumper still attached to the chain ... with
their
vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.
- Louisiana Idiot: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a
gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill
on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?]
- Arkansas Idiot (Not the one who comes immediately to mind):
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw
a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So
he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The
cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas, and
bullet-proof. The whole event was caught on security videotape.
- New York Idiot: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
told
to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes, Officer ...
that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
- Seattle Idiot: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by
mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it
was the best laugh he'd ever had.